The Quotable Olympics ... An ever-increasing collection of Funny Quotes, Jokes and Anecdotes about London 2012, the Summer Olympic Games, Olympic Athletes, Olympic Organisers (LOCOG & IOC), Olympic Sports and Events, Olympic Ceremonies, Olympic Mascots, Olympic Village, Olympic Celebrities, and many more humorous humdingers, zany zingers, on target one-liners and comical comments on the Olympic Games in 2012!
OLYMPIC WIT & WISDOM
Away from the sport an Olympics offers the host nation the chance
to see themselves as other countries see them.
To stage an Olympics is to pay billions of pounds for the world to laugh at you
- the test is how you react.
MARINA HYDE on Guardian.co.uk
This collection of funny Olympic quotes will be added to right up to and during the Summer and Special Olympics in London this year.
Funny Olympic Quotes website and Olympic Wit book
compiled and edited by Colin M Jarman aka Jarmageddon.
BEST OF LONDON 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES
CLOSING CEREMONY QUOTES / TWEETS
Michael Billington in The Guardian
How do you review an Olympics closing ceremony? I'm not sure you can, especially when it is a mix of pageant, pop-concert, street-party and presentation ceremony ... You can't really review a show like this. You can only describe it.
Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReport on Twitter
The goal of the Olympics is to inspire us about what humans can achieve, and the goal of the closing ceremony is to return us to reality.
Melissa Bell on Washington Post.com
The show stops for the younger prince’s entrance. He looks slightly nervous. The camera only barely catches sight of his seatmate, Duchess Catherine. Where’s James Bond and a helicopter when you need him?
Time Out magazine
John Lennon’s plea for us to ‘imagine there’s no countries’ shouldn’t be the Olympics theme song
Wheeling Problems @wheelingprobs (aka @stefanbeyer8) on Twitter
London not using Adele in the #ClosingCeremony is like the USA Basketball team not using LeBron.
Greg Baum in the Sydney Morning Herald
With apologies to Sydney, they might just represent a new PB for the Olympics.
Will Smith @willsmithuk on Twitter
This is like the small hours of Children In Need. It will end with the BBC weather team singing "We Are The Champions".
Bernadette McNulty in The Daily Telegraph
Where Boyle’s Isles of Wonder had set the tone for Britain to take collective pride in a modern vision of itself, falling back on the old familiars was in danger of plonking us back in the music-by-committee-feel of the Jubilee concert. If Cliff Richard were to have dropped by on a double decker bus, dressed in tweed and eating a cream tea we would have known that the exciting glimpse of a new kind of Britishness we’d had this month was really over.
Zach Braff @zachbraff on Twitter
I really hope this closing ceremony impresses McKayla Maroney.
Leora Arnowitz & Rafer Guzman on Newsday.com
Oh lord, it's Jessie J. England, why would you inflict her upon the world? Couldn't the vinyl octopus devour her instead so she doesn't have to make that squeaking sound any more?
Jasper Rees on BBC.co.uk
Vehicles and citizenry were wrapped in newsprint, a message for the nabobs of China clearly legible - we operate a free press round these parts.
Anthony Richardson @AmhRichardson on Twitter
Closing Ceremony should've been a Dad's Army style 'You have been watching' followed by a picture and caption of every single athlete.
Troy Rawhiti-Forbes in The New Zealand Herald
If the opening ceremony showcased the history of British grit and the evolution of its popular culture, then today's grand finale showed us Great Britain as we know it. So there we go. It's all over. The London Olympics signed off today in a triumphant fashion, talking about our generation.
Dr Tim Stanley in The Daily Telegraph
I was pleased to see that the Spice Girls are all still alive. The ladies arrived in taxi cabs, which suggests they don’t quite qualify for a free bus pass yet.
DJ Qualls @TheOnlyDJQualls on Twitter
I enjoyed the #ClosingCeremony, but was thrown by the lack of people wearing monocles.
Alexis Petridis in The Guardian
There were moments when you began to wonder if the Olympics were the only thing we had to hand over to Rio: could the Brazilians not be coerced into taking Russell Brand off our hands while they were about it?
Andy Dawson in The Mirror
It came to an end with what’s left of The Who being wheeled out. They’re seasoned veterans at these big events and their appearance was about as surprising as Ian Thorpe beginning a sentence with ‘Look….’
Emma Kennedy @EmmaK67 on Twitter
So WHAT if the Closing Ceremony wasn't mind blowing? It's about the athletes and their achievements. Not bloody jazz hands
TEN OF THE FUNNIEST LONDON 2012 OLYMPIC TWEETS
by COMEDIANS [Part Two]
Jeremy Hardy @JeremyJHardy
Special Olympic medal goes to our first athlete to say, "I'm not doing this for Cameron, Johnson or the fucking princes."
Rob Brydon @RobBrydon
These divers are out of my league. They're so much better than me it's embarrassing. I'd come last in this event. Probably wouldn't qualify.
Shappi Khorsandi @ShappiKhorsandi
Tried to compose a tweet about how inspiring I'm finding these Olympics. Can't. Please just know I am very emotional and love running :)
Marcus Brigstocke @marcusbrig
These gymblastics ladies are phenomenal. At least 4 of them have mastered the power of flight!
David Baddiel @Baddiel
Its only really during The Olympics that you see a lot of talcum powder on TV.
Graeme Garden @GraemeGarden1
Go GB Olympians! Thanks to our lousy wet summers and the high cost of our petrol we're evolving into a nation of swimmers and cyclists.
Danny Baker @prodnose
On balance I prefer to watch Olympics on TV rather than at the stadium. Stadium all snobbish about letting you lounge about in your pants.
Kate Robbins @KateRobbins
After Peter Wilson's stunning victory and Gold medal I hope there isn't a plan to get kids from inner city suburbs interested in shooting...
Michael McKean @MJMcKean
"I'm Ann Romney and I approve this dressage." #worksbetterifmispronounced
Sue Perkins @sueperkins
The next dancing horse is freestyling to Smack My Bitch Up, then we have the Dutch entry with Clapton's Wonderfoal Tonight #dressage
Mark Steel @mrmarksteel
I wonder if these triathlon brothers have a third brother, a lazy fucker who never gets out of bed before 2 in the afternoon
Jimmy Carr @jimmycarr
I'm sick of hearing olympians say how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices". What do you want, a bloody medal?
Miranda Hart @mermhart
Off to see Tom dive. If he wins Gold I will jump in the pool in my bra and pants. Then we'll see who should have the swimwear advert.
Bob Mortimer @RealBobMortimer
Looking at medals table.. there's a massive gulf between USA and Mexico
TEN OF THE FUNNIEST LONDON 2012 OLYMPIC TWEETS
by COMEDIANS [Part One]
Jack Dee @TheRealJackDee
Wrote to Danny Boyle offering my services for the opening ceremony but heard nothing back. 10 mins on airline food? Oh well,his loss.
Peter Serafinowicz @serafinowicz
"And Sir Steve Redgrave passes the torch to... Ronald McDonald"
Alan Davies @alandavies1
Is there going to be an Opening Ceremony 2 ?
Danny Baker @prodnose
Looks chilly for start of men's kayak. And you can't have your kayak and heat it! You been great folks - stand by for The New Seekers!
Dara O Briain @daraobriain
At the diving the Chinese lady is so far ahead she might have qualified with a dive to spare. Time for an epic belly bomb.
Frankie Boyle @frankieboyle
I'd add an element of strategy to the 100 metres by building a brick wall across the finish line #Olympics2012
Tony Cowards @TonyCowards
Every time I see Olympic gymnast, Louis Smith, I keep thinking he's stolen Gary Oldman's hair from the film "The Fifth Element". #TeamGB
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien
The Olympics are being streamed online, so last night at 3 a.m. I tried to convince my wife I was on the computer watching archery.
Jack Whitehall @jackwhitehall
Blake and Bolt have quite a lot of homo eroticism going on. like a cool Jamaican version of Maverick and Goose.
John O'Farrell @mrjohnofarrell
US paper refuses to print word 'gay'; used find-and-replace; called sprinter 'Tyson Homosexual'.
Part Two to follow soon ...
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LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
QUOTES OF THE DAY (Jul 27-28th)
We're a warm-up act for the real show coming up.Danny Boyle - Opening Ceremony director
Whispers had hinted that the start of the London Olympics might be a little eccentric, a touch more tongue-in-cheek than others we have witnessed. What no-one expected was that it would be quite so gloriously daft, so cynicism-squashingly charming and - well, so much pinch-yourself fun.Tom Fordyce on BBC.co.uk/sport
An architect of Beijing's ceremony once said that event had served Chinese food for the foreign palate, but Danny Boyle's banquet felt as deliciously indigestible to global tastes as Marmite or jellied eels. I loved it. We can't be worrying about how it went down in Moscow or Madagascar. I'm still reeling that a country that can put on a show that hilariously bonkers is allowed nuclear weapons.Marina Hyde in The Guardian
On the diverse soundtrack to the Opening Ceremony...
It was as if a KTel music compilation had been given the biggest budget ever for a television ad. In the end though that didn’t really matter. If you can pull the Queen out of your sleeve you’ve won the game before it’s even halfway over.Tom Sutcliffe in The Independent
They should've had Keith Richards light the Olympic flame by flicking a cigarette butt.
Scott Ostler (@scottostler) on Twitter
One small thing - would've liked Chas & Dave playing "Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner..." instead of Arctic Monkeys
Christian Radnedge (@CRadnedge_ATR) on Twitter
This was the surely the most joke-filled Olympics opening ceremony ever staged. After all, what else can a former imperial power do in its more or less dignified decline than have the good grace to laugh at itself? The Queen herself colluded in the national sport of humorous self-deprecation, and not even the most hardened republican could deny that she did it beautifully.Charlotte Higgins in The Guardian
Fittingly it was left to a woman, Her Majesty the Queen, seemingly none the worse for her parachute glide, to declare the Games open.David Owen on InsideTheGames.biz
I hope the Queen’s got a day off today.Clare Balding (@clarebalding1) on Twitter
With its hilariously quirky Olympic opening ceremony, a wild jumble of the celebratory and the fanciful; the conventional and the eccentric; and the frankly off-the-wall, Britain presented itself to the world Friday night as something it has often struggled to express even to itself: a nation secure in its own post-empire identity, whatever that actually is.Sarah Lyall in the New York Times
David Beckham has achieved many things in his sporting career. But no last minute free-kick for team GB could ever have matched the iconography of him escorting the Olympic flame by speedboat down the river Thames. Cool Britannia has never, and never will be, cooler.Dan Hodges in The Daily Telegraph
Tonight we showed why were called GREAT Britain!! #BeProud one and all #TeamGBDarren Campbell (@campbelldarren) on Twitter
I think London rocked the Olympics opening Ceremony. Beat that Rio. #london2012GoTeamGB (@GoodLuckTeamGB) on Twitter
You’ve got to hand it to Danny Boyle. Under as much pressure to deliver as Usain Bolt, he held his nerve, and pulled it off. The opening ceremony to the 30th Olympiad was as wondrous and magical as he promised: a celebration of all that is best about Britain and all it has given the world.Sarah Crompton in The Telegraph
Danny Boyle has just made the biggest, maddest, weirdest, most heartfelt and lovable dream sequence in British cinema history.Peter Bradshaw in The Guardian
RT if you think Danny Boyle, thousands of volunteers & all associated with “Isles of Wonder” did us proud tonight #OpeningCeremonyTeam GB (@TeamGB) on Twitter - generated over 38,000 retweets
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words! Means the world to me. Proud to be British.Danny Boyle (@DannyBoyleFilm) on Twitter
Opening ceremony: cost £27m; British viewers 26.9m. That's a quid each – a bargain. That's how the maths works, isn't it?Simon Burnton (@Simon_Burnton) on Twitter
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